Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
